This is something that took a lot for me to post, but it’s been something that’s been on my mind for the past couple of days and I just decided to go ahead and do it anyway and open myself up in a way that I never, ever do.
Anyone who knows me knows that I’m really hard on myself. I always have been. From what I see as flaws in my appearance and my personality to mistakes I’ve made, I have always really struggled with accepting them and seeing the positives.
I had basically no self esteem growing up. My mom tried her hardest to make sure that I saw the value in myself, that I loved myself and saw what she and the people around me did. Like a lot of teenagers, though, I didn’t see it. All I saw were the flaws. All I saw were the problems.
I used to cry all the time when I was in high school because I was so unhappy with my appearance. When I graduated, I gained a pile of weight (close to 100 lbs) and I cried even more. I’d hide under baggy clothes and sweatpants, but that didn’t change how awful I felt about myself on the inside.
It was around this time that I started seeing a guy. At first, there were a lot of compliments. Eventually, the compliments only came when he could feel me pulling away from him. There were a lot of mind games, a lot of mental abuse and what little self esteem I had went right out the window.
And then I was pregnant and I suddenly didn’t care about my appearance. I was fine with my stomach because I was growing a human being so I stopped worrying about being seen as “fat”. All I was concerned about was making sure that baby inside me was getting everything he needed, that he was healthy and strong and that when he was born, everything would be okay.
After my son was born, the self-confidence I’d had evaporated. I felt like my stomach was flabby. I felt like my body was hideous. And I was incredibly emotional and hormonal after giving birth.
I still hid. I hid under big t-shirts, leggings, sweatpants and sweaters. I still felt fat. I still felt ugly. I still hated my body. I didn’t see the positives. While I was focusing on the stretch marks and the muffin top, I should have been thinking about the fact that I’ve lost at least 100 lbs since my very heaviest weight, or the fact that this is the happiest and healthiest I’ve been mentally basically ever, or (maybe this especially) a little over 13 months ago, my body was still growing the most amazing little human being.
So just recently, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not going to hide anymore. I’m not going to cry about how I don’t look like a supermodel. I’m not going to sit around hating myself because I don’t have a body like Kate Upton.
I’ve accepted the fact that I won’t ever be a size zero. I could work out day in and day out and all that would make me is sad and require me to pawn my kid off on any available family member, which just isn’t something I’m willing to do.
I love food. I love pasta. I love bread. I love chocolate. I love to eat, even though I’m well aware if I cut that stuff out I’d be able to lose weight a lot faster.
Life is short though and it is way too short to live keeping myself from doing things that make me happy. I’ve reached a point where I’ve decided that I’m not going to keep myself from eating pasta just because I could use a couple of pounds.
Instead of focusing on the negatives, the stretch marks, the things that don’t really matter, I’m going to focus on the things that do. I’m going to keep being thankful every day for the amazing kid that I’ve been blessed with, thankful for my mental health and well being, thankful for my family and friends and all their support.
And, of course, thankful for pasta.
🙂
The Sassy Mom 